Pete Buttigieg Named Head of the Log Cabin Republicans
By: Jason Frerichs
In a surprise announcement, the Log Cabin Republicans have elected Pete Buttigieg as its chairman. Outgoing chairman Robert Kabel has stepped down in order to accept the position as Basement Gimp in the Trump administration. Mr. Kabel issued the following statement, “I am proud to announce that Mayor Pete will be my successor. His commitment to conservative values is truly astonishing. It really brings a tear to your eye. We hope to see him on the next Fox special Queer Eye for the Republican Guy.”
Lindsay Graham reached out to PVI and told us, “What I really admire about Pete Buttigieg is his undying commitment to the donor class. It takes courage to take money from twenty-three billionaires. The donor class is made up of the very best people. They couldn’t have bought a better man than Mayor Pete. Commies like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are threats to the donor class. Those snot-nosed punks whining about being underpaid should pull themselves up by the bootstraps and find a billionaire donor to fund their political campaign.”
Disgraced columnist Dan Savage called PVI to commend centrist white gay folks for continuing the tradition of using the African-American population as a prop while simultaneously calling the community homophobic. Savage screamed into his phone, “I’m done pretending that the handful of racist gay white men out there . . . are a bigger problem for African-Americans, gay and straight, than the huge numbers of homophobic African-Americans are for gay Americans, whatever their color,” Savage wrote in a column titled “Black Homophobia.” Savage scrubbed the column from the interwebs but as they say, “anonymous never forgets.” This argument has been proven false but centrist white gays seem to love it.
Scott Serota the CEO of Blue Cross reached out to PVI to sing Mayor Pete’s praises. He said, “Pete Buttigieg is an American hero who is all about freedom, just like we are at Blue Cross. We offer people a choice. They have the choice to pay for our overpriced insurance or the choice to die. We offer them no value. We are an unnecessary middle man that drives up the cost and prices our deductibles and out of pocket costs so high that many people can’t afford to actually use their benefits. It takes a man of integrity to put the profits of unnecessary companies over the wellbeing of millions of Americans. Got cancer or need to buy insulin? Get a second job or go start a Go Fund Me you lazy millennials. Can’t afford your medication? Just fuck off and die already.”
The entire PVI staff sends its congratulations to Mayor Pete and his hard-working campaign. It takes a special person to put the interests of the wealthy over the working class.
Disclaimer: If you believe any of this is true you probably attended Trump University.