by Jason Frerichs
Disclaimer: If you can’t figure out that this is satire, you probably went to Trump University.
Iowa State Coach Matt Campbell was found curled up in the visitor’s locker room after his team lost 13-3 to the Iowa Hawkeyes. Campbell was discovered rocking back and forth in a fetal position shouting, “but her emails” over and over. It’s a well-known fact that Clinton’s emails are the cause of everything wrong in the world. Too much rain? Her emails. Spill your $25 venti latte all over the floor? Her emails. Car breaks down? You guessed it, her emails. Governor Kim Reynolds has vowed to open an investigation into this controversy. She said that this investigation will only cost the taxpayers $200 million. When asked where this money would come from, she said she would take it out of public education because public school turns people gay.
Steve King reached out to PVI and asked to make a statement. He told PVI, “Hillary Clinton’s emails are the cause of the decline of the white race. Were it not for Hillary Clinton’s emails reverse racism would not exist. The decline of Western Civilization is 100% because of her emails. We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children. Her emails are a threat to America, trucks, NASCAR, and fine gay hatin’ Christian folks everywhere.”
Rod Blum also reached out to PVI to inform us that his unethical behavior of not disclosing a business relationship was due to Hillary’s emails. He said, “Hillary’s emails caused me to violate the law. First, they cause Iowa State to lose a football game. They make Steve King racist. They make Kim Reynolds ignorant. BUT HER EMAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PVI reached out to Iowa State athletic director Jamie Pollard and asked him to weigh in the controversy. He expressed his disappointment that Hillary’s emails unfairly caused RB David Montgomery to forget how to run behind his blockers. He whined that during the second half, Iowa State’s offense didn’t make it past the 50-yard line because of Hillary’s emails. He said, “what needs to happen is an 11-hour interrogation…I mean investigation with Hillary to ask her why her emails would cause Iowa State to lose. Hillary’s emails killed my cat and caused my dog to poop on the carpet. Her emails caused Bob Vander Plaats to bake a cake for a lesbian couple. BUT HER EMAILS!!!”
PVI will continue to track this story and report about all the horrible things in the world that have been caused by Hillary Clinton’s emails. If you or someone you love has been hurt by Hillary’s emails, please reach out to PVI to tell us your story. Only you can prevent Hillary Clinton’s emails.
Founder of the Iowa Democratic Party Progressive Caucus