David Young to Become The Next Ambassador to Russia
by Jason Frerichs
Disclaimer: If you can’t figure out this is satire, you probably went to Trump University
Political lackey Congressman David Young has been selected by Trump as the newest ambassador to Russia. Congressman Young has voted in line with Trump’s positions 98.9% of the time, making him one of his most reliable voters. PVI asked Trump why he selected David Young for this position.
He responded, “David has the unique ability to screw over the agricultural sector of his state while making farmers believe he is their best friend. That kind of talent just couldn’t go to waste. David is going to make political corruption great again, okay? People are always telling me that no one does corruption better than David Young. I think he is uniquely qualified to be the right-hand man of Congressman Putin.”
David Young grew up in Van Meter and at one time was considered a possible Olympic gymnast. Young was born with a rare condition called invertabratism. This is when you are born without a backbone but still have the ability to walk upright. One can see how this extra bit of flexibility would be very good for an aspiring gymnast. It also allows those with this condition to fit their entire head inside their own ass. This ability has served David well throughout his career as a conservative Republican politician. It’s rumored that Senator Chuck Grassley suffers from the same condition and that is why Young was his protégé. PVI reached out to Grassley for comment but as of press time, had not heard back.
Trump handler Vladimir Putin praised this decision and is excited about working side by side with David Young. PVI was able to contact Putin at the Kremlin and he gave the following statement. “Young is the perfect person for this role. It requires a great deal of stamina and lower body strength. You must spend long periods of time on your knees groveling and oppressing people. David Young opposes marriage equality, funding for domestic violence prevention, and green energy. He is my type of guy.”
PVI asked Congressman Young if he was going to stay in the race against Cindy Axne. Young said, “of course I’m going to stay in the race. It’s not like I have to do a lot of work. I just say no to anything that would help people and cut taxes for wealthy corporations. I’d also like to take this time to unveil my new campaign slogan.”