Disclaimer: If you are unable to figure out that this is satire, you probably went to Trump University.
by Jason Frerichs
PVI has received a document from Wikileaks that proves Jeff Timmins is a Russian spy. His real name is Jeffrey Timminzov and he was born in Moscow. He grew up in a small house on the outskirts of the city. His father was a low-level KGB agent and his mother distilled vodka from potatoes. She was a five-time champion of the Moscow Borscht Cook-Off. At a very young age, Comrade Timminzov showed a penchant for accents and learning English. He was sent to special schools to be trained in the arts of espionage, Spetsnaz, Marxist theory, sharp shooting, and creating dank memes. After the fall of the Soviet Union, Timminzov was recruited by then premier Boris Yeltsin to be one of his bodyguards. Vladimir Putin kept him in this role when he became the premier of Russia.
The extent of how much fake news Timminzov was able to spread is not yet known. According to the document received from Wikileaks, he made thousands of dollars each time he shared a post about Bernie Sanders. He received $5 for each “like” he got. Every time a Democrat had a meltdown on Facebook, Timminzov received a personal thank you card from former FBI director James Comey. It’s suspected that Timminzov worked in tandem with his cousins in Macedonia and Albania but as of press time, PVI was unable to verify that fact. The Kremlin did provide a document that shows the Canadian Communist Ted Cruz also worked with the Russians to provide fake news and prevent the residents of Flint from receiving clean water. When asked why he did he said, “Because having access to clean water turns people gay.”
PVI was able to track down Timminzov at his home in Des Moines and he agreed to allow himself to be interviewed. He claimed he’d been drafted into this role to help take care of his family and had received many perks for being a spy. Timminzov stated that every time he mentioned Hillary Clinton’s ties to DOMA, he got a free bottle of vodka. He also received an extra ration of gruel every time he mentioned her vote in favor of the Iraq War. Every time he mentioned her evolving opinion on gay marriage, he received a Walmart Gift Card. When asked why he did it he responded, “So much easier to get you Bernie Bros to do my mission for me, than doing so myself. You are so easily manipulated. I blame your lazy capitalist upbringing. You delicate flowers would wither and die in Mother Russia.” Timminzov stated that Putin promised him that he would receive land in Moscow and Siberia. He expressed fear that he would not receive the promised land now that Wikileaks has outed him. He gave PVI the following statement, “I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.”
Chair of the Iowa Democratic Party Progressive Caucus