Disclaimer: If you can’t figure out that this is satire, you probably went to Trump University.
by Justin Case
Soft drink giant Pepsi announced today that they will be funding McGuire’s campaign for governor. Rumor has it was that the rousing success of the Pepsi ad featuring Kendall Jenner has inspired the company to fund another champion of the working class, Dr. Andy McGuire. PepsiCo CEO Hugh Jackass issued the following statement, “PepsiCo remains committed to the social justice and fighting for the working class. We promise to the use the most powerful photo-ops in human history to sell beverages…I mean help the working class.”
Rumor has it that Kendall Jenner will be teaming up with McGuire on a 99 county tour. They will be holding rallies to discuss socialism, smashing the patriarchy, and distrust of political insiders. Kendall Jenner is a millennial revolutionary leader, known for her ability to lead a protest within 30 seconds of joining a march and ending police brutality simply by handing an officer a Pepsi. Some have called her the “voice of a generation.” Hillary Clinton has come out of retirement and suggested that Jenner take up residence in Iowa because she would make an excellent Lieutenant Governor.
Dr. McGuire also has made overtures to Senator Bernie Sanders, to help her drive the Millennial vote in the state. McGuire stated that she has long admired the Senator’s fight against establishment Democrats. McGuire stated that “We need to get money out of politics. It’s time for millionaires and billionaires to pay their fair share. We must end the privatization of Medicaid and move to a Medicare-For-All system.” She railed against the evils of health insurance companies and had particularly harsh words for Wellmark. When asked why she is running for governor she said, “Because for too long, those in power seem to only get things done for the special interests behind closed doors.” This statement was made at a $30,000 a plate fundraiser hosted by George Clooney.
Dr. McGuire is the former Chief Medical Officer of Meridian Health Plan, which is a managed Medicaid plan. Prior to that, she worked for Wellmark, who recently decided to pull out of the Iowa ACA exchange because they weren’t making enough money fleecing people for health care. She told PVI that she’s worked as an insider for all these years so she can fly under the radar and destroy the capitalist system.