by Jason Frerichs
PVI has acquired evidence that Donald Trump’s birth came about as the result of his father Fred Trump’s sexual union with a female orangutan. DNA evidence was provided by South Park, Colorado-based geneticist Dr. Alphonse Mephesto and his assistant Kevin. In 2013, comedian Bill Maher famously bet Donald Trump $5 million that he could not prove that his birth was not the result of his father’s union with an orangutan. After providing Maher with his birth certificate, Trump attempted to sue Maher for the $5 million. The lawsuit was laughed out of court.
PVI asked Dr. Mephesto how he found the evidence and what led him to suspect that Donald Trump is in fact, half-orangutan. Dr. Mephesto made the following statement, “In August of 2016, Mr. Trump came to South Park to unveil his plan to fight the Democratic menace by ‘fucking them to death.’ I found a cup that the president-elect had used and ran some DNA tests. I was not surprised when the results showed that Mr. Trump is in fact, half-orangutan. This confirmed my suspicions based on his erratic behavior. His over the top twitter temper-tantrums, combined with his grunting and chest thumping whenever challenged on his loose grasp of what the scientific community refers to as facts are examples of this. We previously thought that it was impossible for humans and monkeys to create viable offspring but Mr. Trump has shown us that it is possible. This is a very exciting day for geneticists everywhere. My previous crowning achievement was creating a monkey with four asses. This discovery definitely blows that one out of the water. Trump’s aides have reported that when he reads an unflattering tweet about himself, he gets angry and starts flinging his feces everywhere. This is just further evidence of what we now know to be true.”
PVI reporter Jason Frerichs reached out to expert constitutional lawyer Richard Dog, partner of the renowned law firm Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. Mr. Dog, known to his friends as Dick, was asked if there was the possibility of impeachment given that Trump is half-orangutan. Dick Dog had the following to say, “I’ve done a great deal of research on this topic in light of the newly discovered evidence. There is not anything in the constitution, nor are there any legal precedents, that would prevent someone who is half-orangutan from holding public office. It also appears that Bill Maher now has the legal evidence he needs to collect on his bet with Mr. Trump. I personally will be writing up an amendment and submitting it to my congressman that would call for a constitutional amendment that would prevent anyone who isn’t 100% human from becoming president. I think a monkey could probably do the job of a Republican congressman but I cannot abide one of those damn dirty apes as my president.”
In another twist, PVI has received evidence that Donald Trump and Mike Pence are secret lovers. Club owner Larry Craig told PVI that one night the song “Jungle Love” came over the loudspeakers. The two locked eyes on the dance floor and the chemistry was so strong that it nearly floored everyone. PVI asked Larry “Wide Stance” Craig if he suspected that Mr. Pence might also be half-orangutan. Craig answered, “Well I’m not a scientist. I’m just a closeted ex-senator from Idaho but it would make sense. Pence seems to be unable to grasp very basic facts about science. He believes that cigarettes do not cause cancer and that a gay person can become straight by being administered electric shocks. I often wondered why he kept a shock machine on his desk when he was the governor of Indiana. I guess that it didn’t work out for him. I’m happy that he seems to have finally found his soulmate. I hope he can find the same peace that I’ve found.”
PVI also visited the Omaha Zoo to ask Bobo the Orangutan his opinion on the news. Looking very dejected Bobo issued the following statement, “This is a very sad day for orangutans everywhere. News travels very fast in our community and we do not appreciate the association with Donald Trump. We are proud and noble creatures. We believe in fact-based reasoning. We do not support Betsy DeVos for secretary of education. We do not support Scott Pruitt for the head of the EPA. Climate change is a threat to our environment. Someone being sued by the EPA while also being a climate science denier should not lead the organization. I’ve seen monkey shit fights here at the zoo that are better organized than Trump’s potential administration.” PVI reached out to Rizzo the Bear about Betsy DeVos’ concern over bears attacking school children. Rizzo stated that the bears had no plans to invade any schools at this time.
Disclaimer: If you don’t grasp this is satire, you probably went to Trump University
Chair of the Iowa Democratic Party Progressive Caucus