By Satira Cull
Thousands of millennials have left their parents’ basements to go on a pilgrimage to the Vermont Costco Senator Bernie Sanders was seen at almost three weeks ago. Business is booming since the sighting, with checkout lines consistently winding throughout the store. When asked for comment, store manager Shirley Mcgee had this to say:
“We’ve had record sales ever since news of Mr. Sanders’ visit went public. Membership has almost doubled. It’s amazing! We wanted to ask him to do commercials for us but then we realized that, you know, that might be too capitalist for him.”
I asked a few shoppers what brought them on this journey, cross country for some, just to shop at a store Bernie shopped at. The responses were interesting, to say the least.
“What brought me on this journey? Ummm, a bus. One of those eco-friendly, green buses, though, not one of those regular buses with pollution and stuff. We gotta stop global warming. I think Bernie said that.” -Jonathan Osterman, 19
“I just wanted to buy something, anything, so I could get change back. That change might have originally been what Bernie paid with. I could be holding something Bernie held! Plus Bernie is always talking about changing things, so I thought having his change would be kind of cool. Get it? Change?” -LeAndra Barkley, 34
“I want to talk to the cashier that talked to Bernie Sanders. I met him once at a rally and I want to see if he mentioned me at all. I mean, I’m sure he remembers me, he’s like Santa and God all rolled into one so I’m sure he remembers everybody. I mean, I’m not saying he’s necessarily THE God, but have you ever seen Bernie and God in the same room at the same time? I don’t think so.” -Martin Reilly, 27
“I’m actually here for a job application. I’d work anywhere Bernie might show up at. Plus they apparently pay a living wage with benefits, so that’s kind of cool.” -Norman Goldman, 24
“I had nothing better to do.” -Margot Fleming, 23
Since the obvious boost in customers, other stores in the area have started to set up podiums in their parking lots in hopes of luring Senator Sanders to their place of business as well. Stay tuned for more updates as the situation unfolds.
I've resorted to making stuff up because journalism is hard.