Chelsea Clinton Running For Congress
By Justin Case
Disclaimer: It should be extremely obvious that this is satire.
The Clinton dynasty may not be dead after all. Chelsea Clinton is reportedly being groomed to run for congress. Chelsea could run for a seat in New York’s 17th district – replacing 79-year-old Nita Lowey once she retires. The district, north of New York City, encompasses the city of White Plains, where her parents have a home in the hamlet of Chappaqua. Prior to 2013 it also included the Bronx. Ms. Clinton sat down for an interview with PVI…..
PVI: Let’s address the elephant in the room right away. You’re the child of millionaires. In the age of anti-establishment politics, how will you resonate with the working class?
CC: I totally understand the working class. In college, I lived in an apartment that only had one bathroom. My first car wasn’t even a new car. My parents made me drive a 3-year-old BMW. It was a struggle living on the allowance my parents gave me after paying all my bills. I didn’t even have HD Cable TV. I had to suffer through having basic cable.
PVI: That does sound really rough. The struggle certainly is real. Since you struggled to make ends meet while you were a student, do you support free college tuition at public universities?
CC: No, people should just ask their parents to pay their tuition at Stanford. Nothing in life is free. It wasn’t easy to walk into a six figure job right after I graduated. I had to work really hard through my connected parents to earn my way to the top.
PVI: Speaking of your NBC News job, you were hired to do “feel good” news stories. At that post, you were paid $600,000 a year for, while your peers made $100,000 to $200,000 a year after spending many years climbing the ladder. How does any of this qualify you to run for congress?
CC: I have had excellent mentors. Debbie Wasserman Schultz taught me how to be a true champion for the working class. She was very fair and impartial when she helped pave the way for my mom to win the nomination. My father-in-law, Edward Mezviksky, is one the greatest congressmen ever. He is from Iowa’s first district. Someone with his political savvy and business sense would be a very valuable resource. Of course, my mother was the best of them all. There isn’t anyone better at saying what she thought people wanted to hear.
PVI: I have that is a very impressive list of people. I noticed you didn’t mention your father. Would he be one of your mentors?
CC: Of course. He was a trade policy genius. NAFTA saved Mexican agriculture. Small farmers got to come to the United States, and we got a bunch of labor we could exploit. It really was a win-win for everyone, except for those factory workers but they weren’t smart enough to vote for my mom so they got what they deserve.
PVI: Let’s change gears here for a bit. How does your background qualify to understand the plight of minorities or movements like Black Lives Matter?
CC: I don’t think people understand how hard it is being a wealthy white woman. I sometimes feel invisible so I totally understand what it feels like to be a minority. People don’t understand the struggles of the 1%. Should I buy a BMW or a Mercedes? I want to break the glass ceiling. Wealthy white women have been discriminated against for far too long. Out of the mansions and into the streets!!
PVI: With all the controversy surrounding Standing Rock, all the earthquakes in Oklahoma due to fracking, would you pursue a Green Energy policy?
CC: My mom says fracking is completely safe. My friend Ken Salazar thinks that fracking isn’t causing any problems. Those Oklahoma earthquakes are probably caused by all those 300 lbs. Sooner lineman running down the field. The people who say otherwise are just a basket of deplorables. I also support invading…I mean liberating Canada. The Canadian people are yearning to breathe free.
PVI: Chelsea, that’s all the questions we have for today. Thank you for sitting with me and allowing me to interview you. Remember folks, vote early and vote often.